Today is Good for Remembering

Good Friday was never my "favorite" but I did welcome the reminder, the tears, the sorrow, the agony. I use today to reflect on the Crucifixion and let it penetrate my heart. In my humanity, I still fail every day. It's called sin. I will not sugar coat it to make me or anyone else feel better. Sin is the reality of our existence. HOWEVER, because of what Jesus chose to do, to be tortured and shamed and put to death...I am not tortured, shamed or put to death because of MY sin.

I am alive and thankful. Grace saved me from the judgement I deserve. It is in the heart of a grateful person where the greatest joy is found. I live and breathe life because I am FREE. Many deny Jesus today. Many denied Jesus while He hung on a cross. As for me, once I discovered truth...there was no more denying. He died to take my place. He died to take your place.

Yes, that time you lied. That time you cheated. That time you stole (yup, even office supplies). That time you hated so deeply you wished someone dead. That time you broke the law (darn those speed limit signs!). That time you envied. That time you disrespected your parents. That time you swore a promise...and then you broke it. The affair with a married man. Your vulgar language. That time you drank so much you don't remember how you got home and did it again the next weekend...for six years. All your addictions, including the ones popular culture says "doesn't hurt anyone". The baby whose life you ended. Every day you let pass without actively pursuing the dream God has placed on your heart. Yes, even wasted time because of laziness is considered failure -- sin.

Can you add to the list? Because that list is mine. I own it.

Thankfully, it does not own me.

Because of the Cross.

Today I review every item on my list and nail it to the Cross. Not because I've been held prisoner to it and have never been forgiven but as a reminder. As a human being I forget. Things go well. Life moves on and I forget. We wouldn't need reminders on our smart phones and calenders and phone calls from the doctor's office if we weren't such a forgetful bunch. So today I remind myself. I remember.

I read the words in Scripture. I picture it in my mind. I imagine the brutality until I feel the remorse. Until my eyes swell with repentance and I rush to nail my list to the Cross, including the new ones I've had to add. Yes, the ones I keep going back to. I beg for forgiveness. I beg for Jesus to be taken down from the Cross.

"Please! No more! He doesn't deserve to die for what I did. Not Jesus. He didn't do anything wrong!"

I try to imagine the confusion. I try to imagine what it must have felt like for Peter, James, Matthew, Thomas...Judas. They were His friends. They breathed in every moment with Jesus for three years. Now He was taken from them and hanging on a Cross. This is not how it was supposed to end!

I imagine Mary, His mother. Her son brutalized and hanging, naked on a Roman execution Cross. But God said her son was the Chosen One. She felt Him move during her pregnancy. She birthed Him. Nursed and clothed Him. She even lost Him once. Joseph died and left her as a widow. What would he say to her if he saw the Child he adopted hanging by nails, flesh dripping? How does a mother grieve when death has not yet snatched life but waits? Does she remember the words Simeon spoke to her at the temple when Jesus was days old?

"...And a sword will pierce your own soul too" 

I imagine John when Jesus entrusts His mother to his care. I imagine the Roman soldiers and the Centurion. Perhaps the same government official whose son was cured was also the one standing at the foot of the Cross, wondering how this could be?

I imagine the Pharisees mocking. And I remember a time I did as well.

I imagine the moment the skies grow dark and the earth shakes and the words "It is finished" echos through hearts as tears form rivers from those who loved Jesus. I feel my own. My heart rips in two as I imagine the curtain in the temple did.

Jesus has died. He died because of the collective me.

What now? Has hope also died? What about the promise? The prophecies? Jesus' words? His miracles? His teachings? His laughter? His presence? His friendship? Agonizing grief of a loved one gone settles in. What now?

I let myself absorb. I remind my heart because it is in the reminding that the forgotten becomes real again, fresh. Today I remember the sacrifice. Today I remember the agony. Today I remember the why. Today I remember death. Today I remember a sealed tomb. Today I remember the hiding and the weeping. Today I remember the anguish.

Today I remember my sins nailed Jesus to the Cross.

Today is Friday...but Sunday's a coming.

Delays - Bad or Good?

Imagine if you will...

Early in the morning hours while a husband gets ready for his work day, he discovers schools will have a two hour delay. He proceeds to lovingly turn off all the alarms in the house so his wife and children can sleep in. "Oh, if only I could too" he says to himself.

This husband decides not to send a text or wake his wife to inform her, fearing she may be unable to fall back asleep. "She'll check the news when she wakes" he says and softly kisses his sleeping wife goodbye.

Minutes tick off the clock. The darkness and the rain have kept the sleeping wife and children tucked snugged in their beds a little longer than on a normal school day. The house is quiet and peaceful until the wife wakes to find twenty-seven minutes left on the clock before she would need to get the children to school. Panic dashes through the house only because nobody is aware of the delay. The children blame mischievous alarm clocks for never...alarming.

"What the heck?", grumbles the boy who is notorious for waking before any alarm.

"This is the second time my alarm didn't turn on!", explains the girl with a tone of annoyance.

"I'm so sorry! I just woke up too. Let's just get our things done quickly.", directs the wife.

Thankfully, the wife's social media addiction draws her to her phone as she sees a notification from her church "How has the 2 hour delay affected your day?"

"Delay?" she says.  Only seconds later does she discover the school has indeed delayed the start time by two hours because of freezing rain. Relief floods in immediately but as with any flood, there is also debris.

Exhausted from the night before the wife begins to speculate her husband had turned off the alarms and remarks, "I woke the children for nothing? And I could've been sleeping too? At least he could've left me a note, a text, anything!"

The love and gentleness her husband had shown by turning off the nuisance of a morning alarm became cloudy and muddy with the debris of negative emotions and words. She was unable to see his good intentions and instead found fault. As he called to say good morning, she rebukes him "What have you done!"

"I didn't want to wake you. I thought for sure you would have checked the news first thing." he replies apologetically.

"And panic is better? Thanks but no thanks.", she retorts.

And so the morning began. While their children laughed and played with the slow down of the morning, the wife reflected on her husband's actions. "If only I could have slept in" she says as she drifts back off to sleep.

True Story.

...

Yes, it's not a pretty one but it is mine. Actually the only part that isn't true is when I rebuked my husband by saying "What have you done!". We had a normal conversation and ended it with our I love you's. But that is not the point...nor the lesson of this story.

Even though we were civil towards each other, I am confident to say my husband probably felt rebuked and disrespected for his decision. From his perspective, he acted on information he received and made a loving gesture only for it to be received without a thank you. Regardless of whether he should have sent a text or even left a note, the fact remains that words can bring life...or bring someone down.

It might have been more challenging to say "Thank you honey for turning off those alarms. It was a big help and I do appreciate it. Maybe next time you could also leave me a note in the bathroom?".

Wouldn't I have rather received those words instead of what I did say or didn't say?


That is our daily challenge, isn't it? Words we say or don't say. Think on it. Is there someone you've been meaning to thank? Give them a call or send them a text. Or really blow their minds and send them a handwritten note.

A small gesture of kindness, no matter how difficult or trivial, can breathe life into a person.
Don't delay.

Freedom - My lot in life

Life is full of comedy and tragedy.

Shall we cry, stomp our feet and mutter obscenities at every thorn, brier, and pebble in our shoe? I shall not. Yes, I do wince in pain when it comes. Yet I marvel and delight that I'm alive enough to feel it. I love and laugh and love some more and do not quibble over trivial things. Would I not rather have grace and forgiveness course my veins than bitterness and anger? Yes, I am cast off by others' boundries and selfish pride. But I'm empowered because I choose to be free of their judgmental glances and opinions of superiority. I walk where others see no light. I laugh where others see no joy. I dance where others hear no music. I live where others see no hope. I love where love has been forgotten. I forgive because I've been forgiven.

I am free not only because I've been set free but also because I've chosen to walk free.

Freedom is a choice. Freedom to weep and mourn a loss. Freedom to rejoice for new beginnings and opportunities. Freedom to laugh and dance. Freedom to love and forgive. This is my lot in life.

Are you holding someone prisoner by your unforgiveness? Will you not choose to set them free? Maybe you'll discover that prisoner is you.

Flat Stanley's Letter

Dear Matthew,

In April you sent me to California to meet up with your cousin Rachel.  I couldn’t tell you when you put me in the mail, but I had a mission that was SO secret I didn’t have permission to let you know who was picking me up at the Post Office.  I received a lot of training when I arrived – SUPER secret agent training!

At first I was put in a scanner to learn how to travel through email.  It was AMAZING!

Then I received special training to discover fun places and to make sure people knew how to enjoy themselves.  Probably the most important training I received was how to wear a disguise.  I needed to keep myself secret sometimes. It was part of the job!

After a long three weeks of exercise, eating good food, studying, and tests, I was ready to meet up with Rachel before she scanned and sent me to my next location.

We went to the beach…and it looked like a great place for fun.

We checked out the signs and made sure people could find the fun.

We visited a Fire Department to make sure they were ready for any emergencies.

Next we went to a Farmer’s Market to taste some good food.  I loved the blue skies, the warm weather, the people and the tall Palm trees!

YUMMY! My training told me these were good and my belly agreed!

    

It was a good trip to California and then I was off to North Carolina to see their beach! I was placed in an email and off I went!  The only difference when I first arrived was that Carolina Beach was getting ready for the tourists to arrive for Memorial Day weekend.  I was told I had to keep secret because the Mayor said the people would get too excited if they knew a secret agent was taking pictures. 


I understood. 


So I put on my Captain America disguise…

…and saw lots of fun places!

YAY!

My training didn’t prepare me for how delicious these donuts would be. It was really difficult to wait in line but they were so good!

Once I checked that all the signs and life guard stands were ready for all the people coming to the beach for fun, my job was done.

Can you see my shadow? Shhhhhh…..

Once I arrived in the Washington, DC area I went to a National’s baseball game!

The GEICO Gecko was also at the game. I went to shake his hand and he tried to eat me. That’s when I realized this was not the GEICO Gecko I see on TV.  I used my special training to plan my escape.  It was risky but I got away!

It’s a good thing I was able to get out of that gecko’s mouth unharmed because I still had quite a bit of fun checking to do!  The very next day I arrived here:

…to go sailing!

You’ll be happy to know that YES it was so much FUN!

All this checking for fun around water reminded me I should also probably check swimmers were getting ready. I went to a swim class and was happy to see they had done a great job! We even took a picture together.

That night, I remembered my training taught me how important a good night’s rest is to keep doing all sorts of fun things. So I went to bed and got some good sleep. The next day I met up with a friend I that I made while training in California.

We went to a Hockey game! I was taking pictures and making sure everyone was having a good time. I know I was and so was my friend!

After celebrating a win at the Hockey game, I knew I wanted to visit with a friend who was also happy about something she had just finished winning. Since I wanted to do something nice with her, I got a dog walking job for a day to earn a little extra money.

Since the dog I had to walk loved carrying something in her mouth, I hid in a newspaper bag and talked to her the whole way. She was very gentle.

 With the money I made, I went to Starbuck’s to meet up with my friend.

She had been very sick but she just came back from the doctor and was so happy that she was healthy again.  We were celebrating the good news and she let me try on one of her wigs.

She said I could keep it to add to my collection of super secret agent disguises since she wouldn’t need it anymore.  I thought it was too big but I said thank you and gave her a big hug because I was so happy!

That is the end of my trip visiting fun places and fun people by myself. While you were at school, I went into your strawberry patch to pick some berries and am keeping an eye on the milkweed plants for more Monarch caterpillars.

The wasps are proving to be a little scary but I’m ok.  I have my secret agent friends with me. Did you know when you get into a scanner, you can multiply yourself? 

Thank you for sending me to California. It was a great adventure in learning about scanners, emails, text messages, and time travel.  I had a lot of fun making sure people had things to do in so many different places on the West Coast and East Coast but I can’t wait to spend the rest of my time with you.  You are a pretty awesome scooter rider and really good friend!

Sincerely,

Flat Stanley


....






Blessings for your day, 

Hold on to Truth

Just when I feel like letting go...

(photo courtesy - People of the Second Chance)

...He holds me a little tighter.

Sisters

I would have posted long before now but I've been busy watching one of my favorite shows with my sissy.

It's the season finale and it's a tradition for us to spend it together. Although the two hours took a toll on my tail bone and back, the best part of tonight? When I got to lay my head on her lap and she braided my hair.

Gotta love the special bond of sisters.

Congratulations Donald and Peta!!

The TV...too bad you can't see our feet on the ottoman!

Better than caffeine

I don't drink coffee. I don't like the stuff. But many of my friends do and when you're in a battle to keep from feeling the depression of isolation grab a hold of you and threaten to drown you, you might need to get some air.

And a Chai Tea latte with a friend.

My "tail" may be expanding as I consume these sugary calorie packed drinks, but not only is my tailbone mending, my heart and spirit are also healing.

Thank you to my dear sweet friends. You are better than caffeine any day.


Feeling very blessed,

Mother...all forms

I have the blessed opportunity and because of grace have the greatest fortune to want to celebrate my mom.

Today, who is close to my heart?

My mom
All moms
Stepmoms
Foster moms
Single moms
Moms to be
Moms who wanted to be
Moms who need a break
Moms who lost that precious child
Future moms with one more IVF treatment
Moms who adopted
Moms who lost that adoption
Moms who gave up their child for adoption
Moms who long to find her lost child
Moms who are watching their child die
Military moms who long to have leave to hold their child
Military moms who's husband will never hold their child
Moms who for the very first time regret their abortion
Moms who have passed
Moms who were never present

Moms.

Moms and the men who love their moms, or miss their moms, or hate their moms.

Moms.

It is such a beautiful and important day for so many to celebrate and a painful reminder for others.
After many years of introspection and healing, I can truly celebrate the woman who gave me life and tried the best she could. The list of things I hated and held together with bitterness has turned to ashes. I consider myself one of the lucky ones who found grace and forgiveness and a renewed sense of doing better with our children...because I know better.

This mother's day my wish is that we all do better. My wish is that we remember the woman who wanted to be a mom and never could BUT she is the best mom she can be to the animals she cares for in her home. My wish is that we remember the friend who has adopted and celebrate AND that we quietly remember the woman who gave her child to this family and prayerfully hope there has been wholeness and healing.

My wish is that we remember the elderly neighbor whose children no longer visit and simply check in with her.  My wish is that we remember the single mom whose children may be too young to know to make a card and maybe offer to take the children to the playground just so she can have some time to herself, maybe even nap or shower.

My wish is that we do better...because we know better.

Celebrate this Mother's day however you see fit. Love and grace are great gifts and each one of us can be a blessing to someone just by our mere presence.

Mom, I love you and thank you for loving me when I was the most unlovable.




Blessings for your day,

Sitting is SO overrated

I never thought I would miss this blog so much, but I do. Just when I had gotten myself into a regular pattern of reading, writing in my journal, and a commitment to post...WHAM!

Oops.

I fell down...and broke my tailbone.

Just this morning as I was lamenting not being able to sit and write out a new blog post, the light turned on. Literally.

Matthew - "Mommy! I have no more short sleeve shirts for tomorrow!"

Nevermind that he was already wearing a shirt and there were shirts that needed to be folded.  I simply smiled, kissed him saying "thank you" and told him I would wash more for him today. I figured he was only trying to help me plan my day.

My limited-in-which-tasks-I-can-do day. Another day in where I am completely at the mercy of my pain level and range of motion.  Add to the mix that I must have done something without thinking the other day and my tailbone really hurts again. I mean really hurts.

[grunt]

BUT this is not a pity party. Even if it were...I'm not attending.

Back to the purpose of this post, even if it is just for me.  As I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself and what I cannot do, our son's quick burst into my room and announcement was actually more of a reminder of what has actually been happening in our home. Somehow, instead of feeling worse...I smiled.  I smiled because I recognized that our son knew he had been a HUGE help in our home for the past several weeks.  He was (without saying), letting me know that he needed clean clothes to fold and that he would be willing to get the clothes out of the drying after school.

Why?

Because that has been our routine.

I can't really bend over and if something falls on the floor, I can't pick it up.  I don't have the back support strength to lift grocery shopping bags, sweep, vacuum, carry the laundry basket, clean the bathrooms, empty the dryer or dishwasher...etc.  BUT, I can do things at level while standing like dusting, baking, going through mail, looking out the window, walk short distances...slowly. AND all these things I CAN DO have been done with the children. I've been available to be with them.

This injury has limited me in so many ways that my busyness has dropped down to just above ZERO. My inability to do many tasks has given way to purpose and greater responsibility on our children. Now this isn't to say they didn't have chores before nor that our house is spotless.  It simply means that I have been FORCED to allow the children to go through the learning process of completing a task fully with hidden lessons for myself.

No, I can't simply load the dishwasher because I don't want to wait for the kids to come home. I can't bend over that low and I need to learn patience.

No, I can't just fold all the laundry myself because it would be faster. My back pain won't let me and I need to remember that pride can disguise itself in "just trying to be efficient".

No, I can't vacuum myself because I'll do a better job. I don't have the back strength and I need to teach proper technique with encouragement in order to not break their spirits.

And much, much, much more.

The quality level for these chores had been set low enough that the children are reaching them and they find great joy in accomplishing those tasks. So much so that they are beginning to aim higher and do better work.  It really has become a pleasure to watch and another lesson for myself to learn.

I had a choice. Either let the house go completely or allow a job to be completed with best effort, no matter the final appearance.  After all, isn't that exactly what God asks of me?  He wants my best effort. He doesn't want me to give up just because the things I want to accomplish aren't getting done the way I think they should be.

I have a choice. I can lay around all day and feel sorry for myself OR I can set a goal so low that I will reach it and feel I have accomplished something. Yes, I do have to lay for most of the day. I have to heal. It's not going to happen with me moving around and doing things. I may not be physically able do many things BUT, I can certainly disarm negative thought.

So for now, and because sitting is SO overrated, I'm going to set a small goal for myself. Every day I will find something, anything, that is worth remembering or being grateful for and post here as often as once a day. It may have words or it may just be a picture.  All I know is that I won't have to sit long to accomplish that goal.

This post took me THREE sitting sessions to complete.

Three.

Sitting is SO overrated!

Blessings for your day,

All choked up

I encounter all kinds of people throughout my week, with all kinds of moods. The individuals I am baffled by the most are the bitter, hateful, rude ones. I always wonder what must be going on in their lives that made them that way. Was it a past hurt? Were they told a strong obnoxious character is what they must show or the world would walk all over them? Was it simply because someone was unkind to them?

There is a small, pretty tree called the Chokecherry, Prunus virginiana. It grows in open areas like plains, foothills or mountainous regions and it spreads pretty easily.  Like many plants, the Chokecherry starts to bloom in the Spring and its blossoms then reveal its fruit a little later.

 

Looks yummy, huh.

The thing that many don't know is that the Chokecherry is toxic to ruminant animals like horses, deer and cattle. In addition, to humans the fruit is very bitter and the seed is inedible without being cooked and completely dried.

Why?

Because the plant contains amygdalin which breaks down into cyanide.

Did you catch that? Cyanide.

Cyanide is a poison that can bring great discomfort and pain and in the right amount, has the power to kill.

I am reminded of a verse in Scripture that says:

"Look after each other so that none of you fails to recieve the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many." Heb 12:15 (NLT)

In some translations, for "grace", the Bible says "kindness", "love", "unmerrited favor and spiritual blessing".  Is it then possible that some of the people I encounter during my week have at some point missed God's grace because someone else has failed to extend them kindness?  Is it possible then that the bitterness inside them is what poisons my experience or others?

I believe it may be so.

I have another set of Nine Little Words I use while I'm out. They are:

"What is the most loving thing I can say?"

Often times it's just a "thank you", or using a person's name, or a smile.  I try to never go to a store in a hurry and always try to genuinely ask how the employee I am interacting with is doing.  Trust me, I've gotten the grumpy "not as good as you" remark but often times I've gotten a smile in return.

Like the Chokecherry, I have to remember that my outward appearance may look safe but if my words tear down and don't build up and my fruit is toxic, then I just might as well feed someone cyanide.

I must remember that even in myself, if I allow bitterness to grow and am unable to extend kindness, the very life I may be choking out is that of my own.

Remember to always extend someone kindness. You never know, they may be needing to feel God's grace and love.  If you need to, start today. Look at yourself in the mirror and remind yourself of God's favor.


Blessings for your day,